Perv Alert

When I first moved to DC I heard stories from my girlfriends about perverts exposing themselves on the metro. I heard a lot of these stories. Like, it had happened to more than a handful of girls I knew.


I don't take it lightly - it's not funny. For one thing, that person is taking advantage of you. Also, experts always talk about how sexual predators will often start out by doing something small, like flashing, before moving on the physical violence.


I always wondered what I would do in that situation.

And today, on my damn lunch break I found out.

I decided to take a short walk up 23rd Street NW. I considered other routes, but decided on 23rd St NW because Rock Creek juts out at 23rd & O and there is a nice bit of park. I've gone there before during lunch breaks, and had awkward encounters with small dogs.

Perhaps I should have learned my lesson!

As I walked past the park on my left, I was looking through the trees to the people down the hill - homeless people napping, a guy sitting on the ground watching a girl dance, and some others walking around.

Suddenly, I noticed a man standing in the trees about half-way down the hill. He was standing awkwardly, almost up against a tree. In an almost instantaneous reaction sort of thing, I glanced back at him as I thought to myself, "is he ... peeing??"
Yes, I know it is stupid to look back to confirm that suspicion, but it was really a knee-jerk reaction.

Also, I'm super naive - I'm either staring at things I shouldn't be looking at (people fighting) or not noticing things I should be aware of (people fighting).

So I glanced back and right then, he turns and BAM! penis.
The pervert just kicked it up a notch.

I looked away.
Shocked.
Then pissed.
I kept walking.

But then, then I thought, "Oh Hellllll NO!"
Whipped out my phone.
Turned around.
Called 911.
And followed that sonofabitch as he started to quickly walk away towards O Street.
He saw me on my phone following him, and sped off around the corner, out of my sight.

Before the cops got there, and as I circled around the block looking for him (white man, 50-60 years old, wearing all black with tan baseball cap, white hair peeking out) I think I saw him double-back. An older man, fitting his description, came running down the block wearing only black shorts and carrying a bundle of clothing.

He disappeared by a van parked next to the park. The only thing that made sense was that he was getting in a car/that van to leave.

Listen pervs, do not fuck with me. I am not afraid of your old man penis. I will follow you. I will call the cops. I will do everything I can to help them find you.

Which, in this case, included walking around the block trying to find him, waiting for the police, flagging down a police car and filling him in (my call hadn't gotten to him yet - as we were talking it came through on his computer).

I filled the cop in as much as I could, including the tidbit about the van, and left.

Curiosity got the most of me - I couldn't help but wonder if the cop looked around and then just drove off - so I went back about 4 minutes later.

I was happy to see there were now three cop cars parked there, with cops out and about.
I can only hope that if they didn't catch the perv that perhaps the man was scared enough to think twice before doing this again.

I called Mr. Perfect in the middle of all of this to let him know what happened. He was pretty shocked and told me, "Never go outside again."

Not nearly as cute or funny was my co worker's reaction. She said she would have just laughed. You know, I get it.
Peni are funny.
But this is not*.

This might seem overly dramatic, but when you think of situations like Jaycee Dugard where people trusted their gut and made the call, well - they saved lives. I will always assume this person is dangerous (yes, I followed him, but it was in the middle of the day with people everywhere - I also stopped at certain times if the street was empty, didn't get close to the van, etc etc). And I will always report it to try to get them off the streets.



*ok, yes, there are parts of this that are kinda funny, especially the jokes I could make about my poor sensitive eyes and how this is the first penis I've seen in real life blar blar blar. But still, you call the cops, you help them find him, then you make the inappropriate jokes. And you make up slogans like, "If He Flashes the Peenie, Don't Be a Weenie! Call the Cops!" or "If It's Out With a Flop, Call a Cop!" or "He Shows You the Bone, Pick Up Your Phone!"

UPDATED: This just in from Marky: "Exposed to his twig? Call a pig." Nice work, Markus.
Keep them coming in the comments. Marky has suggested I make posters with these sayings and post them around 23rd & O. I think I may have to also work on some PSAs that incorporate our slogans.