Legally Asleep

This morning Mr. Perfect had all of his wisdom teeth removed. The procedure went very well and was over in about a half-hour. Then I had the pleasure to sit with him in the recovery area.

And that folks, is where the magic happened.

Keep in mind that he's still coming out from anesthesia. And his mouth is full of gauze.

I walk into the room. He is sitting in a chair, slightly reclined with a heart rate monitor on one of his fingers and gauze sticking out of his mouth.

And he insisted I kiss him.

It was hilarious and bad all at the same time.

Remember when you read the following that he's slurring through all of these comments.

Then he told me that his heart rate was 59 when they first put the monitor on him and, "Is 59 legally asleep.... Or... is it legally dead?"

That's when I pulled out a piece of paper to start writing down the beautiful things he had to say.

"They thought I was legally dead. I was legally asleep."

"They put things in my drugs."

"I don't remember anything!!!"

"They put arms in my drugs."

The nurse came over to switch out the gauze in his mouth. It was quite bloody. And he had quite the reaction.

He sounded somewhere between shocked and aggressive when he said, "IS that my blood, or yours??"

The nurse replied, "Yours!"

"Ok," he said, "I didn't know if it was mine or I bit someone."

While the nurse was giving me instructions on Mr. Perfect's care, I started to get calls on my cell phone. After she was done, I called back the number. It was one of Mr. Perfect's coworkers calling to tell me something about a project they were working on.

Uhhh yeah... pretty sure neither Mr. Perfect nor I are going to remember anything you have to say.

Mr. Perfect motioned that he wanted the phone, so I handed it over. Why not.

After a failed attempt to talk, I took the phone back and Mr. Perfect attempted to text his coworker.

One of the ladies from the front desk came out and attempted to schedule the follow-up appointment.

Seriously? Seriously lady? We couldn't have done this before he was totally drugged out? It was so annoying because she actually looked mad at me for saying that we would call back later to schedule it because I don't know his schedule and he certainly can't think about it right now.

Then Mr. Perfect yelled at her, "I CAN'T TYPE INSTRUCTIONS! It won't say INSTRUCTIONS"

And I loved him so much in that moment.

The lady finally got it and left, and Mr. Perfect went back to his texting.

When the lady came back out with the bill, I was, once again annoyed with her and happy with Mr. Perfect. Just like when I get a manicure, he had already pulled the appropriate credit card out of his wallet and had it ready in his pocket.

Good.

When she brought the receipt for him to sign, he loudly whispered to me, "Did you haggle?"

Yes folks, it was the Mr. Perfect comedy hour and I loved it.

The doctor came by to check on my patient. When he asked Mr. Perfect how he was doing, Mr. Perfect whined, "It's so hard to do business calls! I couldn't do my business call!"

It was finally time to head home. The nurse came over and took the heart monitor off Mr. Perfect's finger. As she walked away, he turned to me and whispered in a very serious tone, "I died....."

As we walked towards the elevators, his arm around me for support, he begged me to take the stairs. I laughed along with the women behind the front desk as the elevator doors shut.

And then he turned to me.

And with blood smeared on his teeth and lips, he tried to make out with me.

And it was the grossest/funniest thing ever, as I pushed him away laughing and he slurred, "come on baby..."

Thank God it was only a one-story ride.

I think Mr. Perfect is the most entertaining patient a girl could ask for.