Not so fun

I am sick.

Shell made me use her Netty Pot.

It was so disturbing. Nothing came out. And it hurt. And, ew.

If it didn't come out, where did the water go?

Ugh.

:(

Buzz on the Buzz

Just heard some interesting gossip about 96.5 the Buzz.

I know some of you have been wondering what's going on with the morning show - I've had some keyword searches including, "what happened to Dick Dale on the Buzz."

Well, I know a girl that knows a girl that said that Dick got fired (duh) and.... Afentra is returning to mornings & Lazlo and Slimfast are returning to the afternoons!

This is excellent news for the radio audience of KC.

Oh, another juicy tidbit - apparently Afentra had a falling out with her former sidekick, Danny Boy, so they're still figuring out who will be on the morning show with her. Word is that Kevin Quinn will get to stay around. I'm cool with that. Kevin was always better than Dick.

So, there you have it my children.

Shallow

Sunday morning I went over to C-Love's house to convince her that she needed to go to brunch with me.

The poor kid was strew about her bed, attempting to convince herself that she was well enough after the bachelorette party the night before to join me for food. But please don't talk about the food. Please.

So I'm sitting there talking to her when I look over & see what look like the most granny looking pair of panties.

"Are those your underwear??" Without lifting her head (or probably opening her eyes), she replies, "Yes, I'm sorry." My jaw drops in shock, "Are you joking? Am I Shallow Hal? How do those even fit you?" She looks up, confused, then looks at what I'm pointing at.

And bursts out laughing.

Those are shorts. Like, pj shorts.

Not underwear.

I mean, it's true, but..

I think it's safe to say we all love the goofy signatures that people employ in their e-mails, especially work e-mails.

I found this one, that I received today, especially confusing. Is it an accusation? A reminder? Or are they trying to say, hey, leave me alone. Just 'cause I'm here don't mean I want you botherin' me.

Also, is the rose like a smiley face? Is it ok to be bitchy if you add a pretty picture?

Just "being" in the office doesn't constitute working!

Free Music Man Performance

If you're willing to endure the weather.

The password is... River City.

Saturday night lessons

Even though the $6.25 beers at Kelly's are bigger than Hurricane's face, there was almost no one there on Saturday night. I was skeptical of all this White Power & Light (as GDSean likes to call it) taking over the KC nightlife biz, but holy balls. We went to Martini Corner too and it was dead as all get out. Something else I learned Saturday. This. This is apparently genetic.

Sunday

Mady + Popsicle = Love

Selections from collection of untitiled works by Maureen (Mushy).


The artist, as photographed by Caroline.

Some artists really are, at times, fully consumed by their demons.

Tips on Wedding Crashing

I would say find out the Bride/Groom's names, but we never did. Eh.

Take over the photo booth. Invite others to join. Intimidate other guests.
Dance with the bride!

(I was holding her dress while she was dancing, but Hurricane couldn't find the camera to document it.)
Engage in deep conversations with fellow party-goers. Or... act like you are.

Befriend the Mother of the Bride.

We had a good talk about her outfit. She put it all together on her own. The top is from Target, belt is from Express. Go on with your hot self momma!
And the Father of the Bride. I love you Dad!Who also happens to look like the father in Teen Wolf.
Engage in more serious (looking) conversation. Especially when you think Dad is going to ask Bride or Groom. Sidenote: my answer was, "Both!" when the bridesmaids asked I added a, "but mostly the groom, you know, college." You can assume most bridesmaids are going to be close friends of the bride and not going to push much.
Find a date. And just for fun, a picture of the Bride & Groom doing the lift during "Time of My Life" a la Dirty Dancing. Love. It.

Our only regrets were 1) not showing up earlier and 2) not partying with the drizzzzunk as skizzunk Silpada ladies downstairs - omg, there was a convention and holy shit were those broads wasted and wearing too much damn jewelry.

Yup.

"I’m selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control, and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best. "

Marilyn Monroe (via Like the Butter via whateverlolawants)

WhatEVER!

After hearing Shell's story about Mush & "whatever", I started thinking.

I, like any idiot near my age, uses the word whatever a lot. And I use a ton of variations of the word. I think the more variations you use of the word whatever, the more likely you are to resemble at 15 year old in other ways.

Whatever
Whateva
Whateve
Whateves
Whatevies
Whatevawitit (loosely translated to "whatever with it", as spoken by drunken redneck uncle of a friend)

And that doesn't even count variations in inflection.
Whatever.

Creepiest Pen Pals Ever

When Bill Geerhart got bored about 10 years ago, he didn't turn to TV, books, or napping. He decided to write to famous, and more interestingly, infamous people - posing as a ten-year-old kid.

It's surprising to see who wrote back (Dick Cheney, Larry Flint), and also totally creepy (Charles Manson).

This year, Bill decided to follow-up with thank you notes.

Basically what I'm telling you is check it out.

Oh, and that Charles Manson really is bat shit crazy.
And Richard Ramirez has his own stationary - but get this - stationary that uses his killer name. I'm both impressed from a marketing/branding point of view and really disturbed. Mostly impressed.

And thanks to PMeh for passing it along. Unless you didn't want the credit. In which case I found it.

Next time I'm bored, I'm not going to watch Bravo, I'm going to _______________.

Almost new word?

I thought I just coined another brazilliant term, but someone else beat me to the punch.

Webtarded Yup, webtarded was already in Urban Dictionary.

I'm slightly webtarded at times. Thankfully I can rely on K-did's GoogleFu.

At least I'm not webtarded enough to not look for the word before claiming it? Maybe?

New Word

Fauxmotion When you get a promotion that actually doesn't include a raise in pay or additional duties.

Pronunciation:
fo-motion

Example:
I was all psyched about moving up at work, but it turned out it was just a fauxmotion.

D-FENCE

This picture I found on Hey Okay (obviously) took me a minute to get. (I say obviously because I'm quite dense at times. At most times.)

It's glorious though, and reminds me of my adventures in high school athletics. I was never great, I was never totally horrible. But I did have a coach tell me that he wished either I was a better athlete, or the other girls could "see the floor" better. I'm going to just take that to mean I'm clumsy but smart. Done.

Thanks Hey Okay!

Baby Torture

Cracked has a list of 20 baby products sure to creep out anyone and everyone.

Found on List of the Day.

Ugh. I especially hate the swimming neck ring and especially want the door hanger baby holder.

Lessons Learned

The other night I needed to stop by the liquor store at the Prairie Village Shops and get some Coronas and hit up Cactus Grill for some espinaca and guacamole.

I ran into the liquor store first, grabbed a six pack.

It wasn't until I was walking down the street with the beer sans bag I realized it was going to be really awkward to walk into a restaurant with a six pack of beer.

And it was.

Next time kids, get the beer last.

Drink o' the Summer

No, it's not sangria or summer beer or anything like that.

It's the McNuggitini.

Best part of recipe?
Meat garnish.

I think if, I mean when, I make a McNuggitini I won't rim the entire glass with BBQ sauce. I'm guess that's where some of the gagging came from.

All in all it's a brilliant idea.

Font-tastic

For some reason I can't embed this, but you should check it out. I love Wingdings.

Thanks K-diddy

Trust me, it would scare you

The other day I was looking around on SeeqPod for that Natasha Bedingfield song they played on the Bachelorette - you know - Soulmate.

I found Soulmate, and the most rad song ever.

It expresses lyrically how retarded I am for Mr. Perfect. He kinda knows it. I mean. Yeah, I have pollution streaming out of my mouth pretty much every time I talk to him. It's totally ridonkulous.

I mean, I call him to tell him how much I just stalked him and how creepy I am - then realize as I'm saying it that, wow.
I should.
Not.
Be.
Telling.
Him.
This.

But, I think, even though it scares him, he kinda loves it.

I've never been good at all that following the rules bullshit anyway.

So here we go -

Lines that most accurately describe my creepiness:

Trust me it would scare you if you knew what was goin' on in my brain

Trust me it would scare you that I've picked out the church all the schools all the names

If you knew it was all about you every wish Every candle every coin in a fountain

Trust me it would scare you

In the words, well, whispers of Mr. Perfect, "Why are you so creepy?"

Just in case you were curious

Yes, GFY is still the phrase of the summer. Look, I even sign it with a smile!

The gift that keeps giving

So the cake blog sent me to another blog, Basic Instructions, which I now love. God bless you, cake blog!

2 More Cakes

Oh, I just... I can't help it... I'm laughing too much. These are so glorious!!

MMMmmmm Cake!

Just found an awesome blog detailing horrible cake designs and mishaps via PopCandy.

My favs so far:
The cake Mr. Perfect & I should have taken to the 4th of July party.
"Dad" if that's what you really are...
Poop.
Naked Mohawk Baby Carrot Jockeys. Yeah.

OMFG, they're all amazing.
Go waste the rest of your day there.

I hope my mom never tells me this

Another Postcard from Yo Momma:

mom: Have I mentioned my recent obsession with the song, “Low”, by Flo Rida?
me: oh. my. lord.
mom: I thought you’d want to know.
me: you are hilariousmaria and i like that song
mom: I can’t get it out of my head. Probably because I listened to it 4 times in a row on the bus going into NYC.But what ARE apple-bottom jeans?

I mean, I like the song, but I really hope my mom never hears it, let alone likes it.
I do love that people are still trying to figure out what Apple Bottom Jeans are.

Faceboooooooook!!!

F-U-G-L-Y You ain't got no alibi!

From Daily Candy:
July 22, 2008
Fug You

Ugly Bag
You’ve tried miracle creams, painful injections, and expensive procedures. But nothing helps.

You’re still incredibly ugly.

If you suffer from retina-scarring, child-terrifying hideousness, hope exists. Not in a bottle but in a bag: the Ugly Bag, a revolutionary, instantaneous solution to common repulsiveness. Just slip it over your horribly disfigured head and let your new life begin.

Maria, formerly known to friends as “Vomit Face,” gushes: “The side effects were difficult at first — sure, I miss being able to see stuff — but it’s worth it.” JoAnne, who for years could make a living only as an extra in zombie films, says, “It’s great! I really [words too muffled to understand due to presence of paper bag on head].”

So don’t delay. Because whether you know it or not, your ugliness is probably hurting you.And it’s definitely killing us.

Available online at mystore.cc.

Haiku Tuesday

Balancing checkbook

No one does it but me and

The 80 year olds.

Balancing checkbook
An end to online shopping?

Brings me zen and stress

Needles in my back

Forgot when I went tanning

Round white spots on back

Summer is my fav

Until I remember that

I sweat profusely

Happy apartment

Roaches keep me company

Rather be lonely

Creepy and funny

Did you find what you wanted?

Oh, keyword searches!

I don't have time, I just wanna skate

DGENERATE NATION - Skate With Me from DGENETICS on Vimeo.


Got it from Julia Allison.

My fav part is around the 2:34 mark.

The new pedi

Fish nibbling on my feet. Weird. But, I have to admit, I'd try it.

Best part of the article:

State regulations make no provision for regulating fish pedicures. But the county health department -- which does regulate pools -- required the salon to switch from a shallow, tiled communal pool that served as many as eight people to individual tanks in which the water is changed for each customer.

The communal pool also presented its own problem: At times the fish would flock to the feet of an individual with a surplus of dead skin, leaving others with a dearth of fish.

"It would sometimes be embarrassing for them but it was also really hilarious," Ho said.

Old

I like to think I'll (still) be like this when I'm old.

A night with the Aggieteers and the photos to prove it

never know when fake cigarettes are going to come in handy. Again.

Excuse me, driver?
Oh! Hi!
ERINS!
So Typhoon let me borrow her shimmery body powder that tastes like honey (and smells totally bizarre). Erin busted me sampling the goods a few times. I just didn't believe it would still taste like anything!

So during M.I.A.'s awesome song, Paper Planes, we noticed a group of hipster-ish looking guys had a choreographed dance to the song.



So I did what anyone would do.
Walked over to their table.
Acted like I was texting.
And held up my camera to shoot a video.

It was so obvious what I was doing, I'm pretty sure it was more entertaining to my friends than anything else. I think they have photos of me doing it too... hmmm.. Anyway, this video is really poor quality, but eh, still funny. You can see them doing some of the arm movements.

In their defense, they were actually pretty well coordinated, it was just surprising to see a group of guys with a choreographed dance.

Posing while fake texting/videoing people inspired... more pose time! Please note the big toe on my left foot. WTF? A balance issue perhaps?

Pose off!
THE FACE! I swear to go I said their names and they both turned around and made The Face at the same time. Beautiful.
Then, when I was doing The Face, Typhoon took out her (new) fear of fruit garnishes on drinks by shoving an orange peel from her beer in my mouth. It looks like we've been holding this pose for a while, but really she just had amazing timing. Thanks again, btw. (and yeah, I said she's afraid of fruit on her drinks - she is - she got totally skeeved out about 10 times that night)
When Typhoon got hot and wanted to put her hair up, I discovered my life's true calling. Styling hair for proms and weddings. She's PROMTASTIC! I did that shit in less than a minute with ONE clip! Seriously, it's like the golden touch of prom hair. Maybe that's why I love ratting/hairspraying my hair so much...
Unibrow!
McLOVIN'!!!
I actually have a shot of McLovin's I.D. and it wasn't from Hawaii. Dang it.

The Donut Dude! After going to Gumby's, we made a stop at Daylight Donuts. Their hours are 1a.m.-noon.
Love.
It.

Anywho, Donut Dude was demanding all the donut holes in the joint. After I protested, he bought us a dozen. Unfortunately they were stale as hell, which I totally don't get considering the place had been open for a hot hour. My favorite moment was when the donut shop worker told him his total was $3.75 and Donut Dude threw $30 on the counter.
Ahhh, another good weekend with the Aggieteers.

Dark Knight

I saw it last night and holy shit.
It was scary, creepy, terrifying, tragic, and amazing.

Thank goodness I had Goody sitting next to me to jump at the scary parts and make me laugh.

I really never thought I'd cry at a Batman movie, and I certainly didn't think I'd cry multiple times throughout. Wow.

I would suggest seeing it in IMAX (I didn't). There were some scenes I could tell would be pretty incredible in IMAX.

It's a Baby... at a Bar...

"Police say sitter left baby in car, during bar stop"

Officers spoke with Ashley McLean, 23, at 1:15 a.m. She told officers several stories, but it appears McLean was baby-sitting and “stopped by the bar to drop something off,” Grassino said. He said officers believe the car had been at the bar between 20 to nearly 50 minutes. McLean told police she had “tasted some friend’s drinks” while at the bar.

Since when did boozing become dropping something off at the bar?

Changes

From my (white, employed) friend Marky: I see no changes, wake up in the morning and I ask myself; is life worth living, should i blast myself? I'm tired of bein' poor and even worse i'm black; my stomach hurts, so I'm lookin' for a purse to snatch
2pac is a genius
speaks to me


I agree that song is effin amazing. I love it. But it's still hysterical that Mark said that.

Guest Blog: Internet Musical Extravaganza!

As I'm sure you are all aware, Joss Whedon and his brothers got bored and frustrated during the writer's strike and made a very low budget musical called "Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog".

You all know how awesome it is already. You all know NPH is the balls. You know Firefly's Nathan Fillion and Buffy's Felicia Day are dreamy and adorable, respectively (or possibly interchangeably).

BUT...

For the one person out there that doesn't know all of that (Hi Mom!), please follow these simple instructions:
1. Cut a hole, wait, I mean, watch this.
2. Then watch this.
3. Thennnnnn this.
4. Watch episode III when it's released Saturday and before it gets taken down Sunday.

Not to worry, iTunes and future DVD releases await, for those without internet connections who have their butlers print all erinintherealworld blog posts and read them while on the john.

- Mr. P

AMELIA!!!

I'm not going to make it to the 2008 Amelia Earhart Festival, but you should.

If for no other reason than to walk around yelling, "AMELIA!!!" for me.

And maybe even wear an AE costume.

Have fun kiddies.

No, I'm not

wearing bowling shoes.

And no, I wasn't joking when I said I bought them.

Do you think it was their first choice?

Also, is it embarrassing to ask for DNBH8N at the DMV, or if you're a big enough douche to ask for it, you're also a big enough douche to not care or realize it is cause for embarrassment?

I really want to steal the plates & put them on my car/a total piece of shit (my car isn't a total pos, just wrecked a tad bit).

It was a Dodge Intrepid, btw.
Don't be hatin'.

Iz tru

Mr Perfect: you at airport

I hear the train a comin'

Mr. Perfect & I met GDSean and some other pals out for dinner Sunday at Sakura. Sakura is a normal sushi restaurant that also has a large sushi bar with a sushi train. The train goes by, you pick up what you want, and you're charged by the plate. I think it was between $1.95-2.50/plate, apparently dictated by the plate design. Our tab was around $30 and included a beer.

I was really happy with the quality and quantity of the sushi. There was a good variety as well. After about an hour of eating, everyone started to get full. That's when GDSean started playing with the train. Really, I mean, it was bound to happen.

Hey! I wonder who put a salt shaker on the train... And the pepper... which didn't make it all the way around the track on its first try.
GDSean was nice enough to place a little advertisement for the restaurant on the train.
Then his sunglasses. The sushi chef grabbed these off right before they got back to us. When everyone groaned, he put them back.
So we put up some money.
Which was replaced (for one trip) with a penny.

Somewhere in there, GDSean asked to see Mr. Perfect's cell phone, then put it on the train. Then, halfway around the track, called it. It made the trip, unanswered.

Thankfully the chefs and other patrons were having fun with the train too.

In between putting stuff on the train, we also annoyed other patrons by playing with an Iphone application. And not just any application, an application that will name tunes that you hum or sing. So of course, we were now singing. And singing horribly on my count. Seriously, I forgot the words to the Star Spangled Banner! Stage fright in a sushi restaurant.

This video is fabulous. It captures the essence of my group in a restaurant, all in less than 15 seconds. Make sure to watch GDSean in the background.

Enjoy.

And yeah, Mr. Perfect was the only one who was able to get the phone to correctly recognize the song he was singing.