On Memorial Day Mr. Perfect and I went for a hike. I couldn't be more excited. I really don't know why, but I was just so pumped and knew it was going to be an excellent adventure (
starring Erin as Ted Theodore Logan, and Mr. Perfect as Bill S. Preston, Esq.!).
We found what appeared to be the
perfect spot - a four-hour hike not far from D.C. that had some awesome views at the top. We found a map online of Bull Run Conservancy, Mr. Perfect read up on it, and we planned out which trails to take (
note: planning solely involved seeing a picture of a fantastic view atop a mountain and saying, Hey let's go there!).
We packed a bag of sunscreen, bug spray, individual peanut butter packs, jelly, sourdough bread, apple slices, water bottles, crackers and sunflower seeds.
We were totally ready to go.
After a stop at Starbucks we were off! Which may have been a mistake because after the hour or so ride, I was ready to use the facilities. And there were none. Well, there were, but they were closed for the holiday. I get it, it's a holiday, but come on, the place was packed with people out and about for the day. (
I on the other hand found a readily available facility called the Bull Run Conservancy.)
I should say here that Mr. Perfect and I decided, on the walk back down the trail that we were going to do a he said/she said for this little journey. So enjoy. Mr. Perfect will be in italics. (
Hi!)
So after lathering on the sunscreen, spraying the bug spray, and tying up our hair (both of us)(
my bandana was loosely tied at best, thank you), we were ready to go. But... where... is... the... trail?
It was a strange setting, you had to cross railroad tracks before you actually could see the trail, but we found it.
As we started out there were a few other couples starting their hikes as well. Somehow, as soon as we got on the trail, everyone else seemed to disappear. Which was great when I ended up dropping trou a few minutes later to pee. Peeing outside sucks. Especially when you don't have a penis. Or maybe only when you don't have a penis. I don't know. (
Only is the correct answer.)So we were walking... and walking... and it had been probably five minutes... and... ok, so I was already wondering when we were going to stop and eat/be at the top/be done. (
Not an exaggeration.)But then, walking down the trail, I suddenly noticed that the ground was sparkling! It was so pretty! And shiny! And all over! All the dirt was this awesome golden brown sparkley color that I realized would be an amazing bronzer! So, naturally, I started wiping it on my arms. And let me tell you, it looked glorious. I mean, I had to do it, right? Mr. Perfect told me I didn't need any makeup pre-hike, but we all know I was looking a bit pasty. (
The Conservancy is crossed by the Occoquan River and Goose Creek. It is mainly peaks and valleys. Combine the slope with the water, and the soil is fantastic for growth, a great mixture of clay and silt. Silt is mostly quartz, hence the sparkle. I'm not sure where I was going with that.)
After a good bit, we came to a stream crossing with a log. And you know I pulled out some ferosh Dirty Dancing moves.
And you know I'm posting this horrible picture - is that my tongue? Is that a leaf? I don't know. But I hope I don't make that face often. Anywho, I didn't fall, and really that is more surprising than any face I could have made. (
Erin would have posted different pictures, but unfortunately there was this one, and 12 of her trying not to lose her balance.)
Oh. Hey.
Alrighty. So. Walk walk. Hey! A fork in the road! Let's... take the path less traveled? Sure! Walk walk walk. And. Wait. I... haven't... seen... anyone... in quite... a while... (
We did manage to see lots of old, rusted metal tools. So there's that.)I wonder if this really is the right trail. Wait.
Woah. Did the trail just disappear? Mr. Perfect hops across another stream crossing and assures me it actually continues on the other side. I (miraculously) survive another crossing dry. Probably the most surprising part of the entire hike experience.
So we walk a bit further and the trail is gone again! This time it really seems like it's gone for good. But somehow, we find it again. (
I'm reasonably certain at this point that we are in fact on a deer path, not a human hiking trail. FYI.)I think it was at this point that Mr. Perfect discloses that there is a good chance we have taken the only trail that goes through the valley, not up the mountain. Dang it. That
would explain us walking for so long with really no incline. And... no people. (
By good chance, I meant...)For a while now we've been keeping an eye out for horse shoe prints that showed up about a half-hour back. They've reassured us that there is a possibility we're going the "right" way and that people actually have taken this trail recently.
But now we've come to a crossroads. Or maybe I should say the lack of a crossroads? I don't know. The horse shoe prints were gone. The trail was gone. And we were facing an embankment. It literally was like hitting a wall. A dirt wall. We walked around looking for signs of really anything. By this point we'd been walking for about 1.5-2 hours. I was really dreading walking back 2 hours and never really seeing this
amazing view that we got excited about after seeing online.
Mr. Perfect pulled out
the map we had and explained to me that he thought we had followed a trail all the way to the top of the map... then... off
the map.
Then Mr. Perfect told me he was pretty certain that if we turned 90 degrees left we would run into the trail that goes up to the ridge view. I was skeptical, to say the least. I mean, I almost bought a purse for this trip that said, "I love not camping." I wasn't quite prepared for a off-trail adventure. (
I should mention that I am an Eagle Scout. I feel the reader would be calmed by such information at this troubling time.)(note: this is why I'm insane. I was the one super freaking excited for this nature adventure, yet not prepared at all for anything off the map)
We rest for a bit and then decide to carry on.
I ban sunflower seeds, as I feel they dry out your mouth and we need to start conserving water. No more seeds until we find trail. And God bless, but Mr. Perfect didn't laugh at me.
So as we turn to start our off-trail adventure, we see it. The most freaky, bizarre, "I'm suddenly starring in the VA woods version of
Lost" thing-ever.
What.
The.
Holy basketball court Batman!
Where did you come from? Who are you? Why are you there? And more importantly,
where the hell are we!?!?! I think this really was when I started thinking about what the Lifetime version of our story would be. (
We proceeded to discuss varying The Hills Have Eyes scenarios, none of which seemed preferable, but all were entertaining.)But we hike on.
Oh, btw, there was a house and shit back there too. Strange. Very strange. Still don't know what that was all about.
So, 90 degrees later and it's like we are on the right path, even if there isn't one, because we're hitting a steep vertical incline. Mr. Perfect tries to convince me that we're on a path, but I'm quite sure it's nature's drainage ditch. I see a phantom horse shoe print. Joy! Then sadness, when I don't see another. (
I'm pretty sure I said at this point, Hey I think this is actually just a dry creek bed. I could be wrong.)I take the time to explain to Mr. Perfect that ever made-for-tv movie about a couple getting lost in a blizzard or whatever always includes a pivotal "we've lost the road/path/sense of direction, but we're going to keep going" moment that we've just experienced. (
Noted.)After a good deal of fretting (by me) and more upward marching, we reach an area with large rocks that are begging us to sit and enjoy lunch on. I say enjoy, but really, I was busy trying to figure out what D-list actress would best play me in the Lifetime version of our story, so yeah. Enjoying. (
I vote for 1996 Liv Tyler. Is that allowed? No? OK fine, 1955 Natalie Wood. Done.)Ok, so we were having a blast (even through my stress) and the apples and pbj was awesome. And, ok, the real confession? Right before we sat down
I saw the trail! I know! I didn't even want to sit and eat, I was too excited. But please, I'm really never that excited. I ate.
After finishing another bottle of water (omg! we only have two left!), we hit the trail. It was clear that it was a real trail. You could see where fallen trees had been cut to clear a path in the trail, but there were fresh fallen trees (is that even possible?) that hadn't been cleared. The trail wasn't maintained anymore, no clue why.
Oh, wait, maybe it was the next 15 minutes of the hike. Maybe that's why they closed it. Because that shit was straight up, Paula Abdul-style. (
Abubububu bububububye.) It was intense.
But we made it to the top! And the trail was still there!
Sweet Jesus. Maybe Mr. Perfect was right. This is looking better, we're up higher, it seems like the ridge could actually be right over the next little in the path.
We continue walking and suddenly, our path t's. And I kid you not, 10 people walk by in less than 30 seconds.
My jaw drops to the floor. I can't believe it. We
actually made it!
And all I can think as these people leisurely walk by, seriously
not even sweating, I couldn't help but want to yell at them,
"YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT WE'VE BEEN THROUGH!!" I felt like we had been in the wilderness for months, almost died, and then just walked into people out for a stroll. It was a shock to the system. (
I suppose I could have mentioned at any time that we were only 2-3 miles away from the car, and being right off the interstate, cell phone service was full bars. Honestly though, the thoughts of Bears and Cougars and Alive-style survival methods were way too powerful for Erin to consider such tiny details.)Once I got over that shock, I acted like I was a badass through the entire near-death experience and got all Sacajawea up in this joint. Ya'll know I love me some
Sacajawea!
Yeaaaa! The ban on sunflower seeds is off!
Aww, we're alive and made it to the top.
Erin's eye view.
Worth it.
So much fun.
And I'd like the record to reflect that we basically got lost on the way back down too. It was so crazy. The trees were marked, there were actual trail markers, and we had a map. None of them matched up. It was so bizarre. And fun. And fabulous.
But doing this.
Skee ball + Shuffle board = perfect night
Team Perfect killed it.
And then went to this.
And at three p.m. today, it was this.
So I decided to it was necessary to document the pain as a reminder to never do that again. I told Hurricane I was never drinking again. She said, "I'm never drinking again either until next weekend."
Half-way through the meal, wondering if eating really was the answer. Minutes later I think I felt my soul re-enter my body.
But not this time -
And sure, they look like the main ingredient was a pink highlighter, but, hey, they taste good (enough). What were they? Pom-vos? Vo-poms? Whatevies. They were vodka and pomegranate martinis.
It's incredible. It makes you do incredible things. Like your signature pose.
And it may also makes you... well, when a guy mentions to another guy that The Drank you made him doesn't even taste like it has alcohol in it, it might make you yell, "Go fuck yourself!"
Her sisters serenade her.
Nom nom nom
The sisters.
Oh my goodness! 
Right before she stuck her hand in her ear!
Pre-bath rinsing.
First birthday bath time!
I win!
Oh. Hey.
Aww, we're alive and made it to the top.
Erin's eye view.
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